My Last Run

     I set my alarm for 6:30 this morning.  I finally got myself up at 5:10 after tossing and turning all night.  I keep thinking about running and previa. 

     It’s hard for me to imagine not running.  I love the camaraderie of my running club.  I love seeing other runners on the lakes and knowing  I am one of them.  I love how it empowers me and gives me confidence that I didn’t have in my pre-running years.   I love looking down at my legs and seeing how powerful they are.  I love the calm it brings me when I get home after a run . . . how it makes me a better wife, mom, and person.  I absolutely love how running makes me feel. 

     Everything I read online says no running with previa.  Yet, my midwife says it’s ok.  I decided I will call for another opinion when the clinics open up later today.  Even so, my gut instinct is that I should hang up my running shoes, as much as I don’t want to. 

     I’m honestly scared about what I’ll be like without running in my life.  Running brought me out of postpartum depression two years ago.  It’s a lot of what keeps me going.  I’m trying to stay on the positive side, though.  I like walking and will probably use my usual running time to walk around the lakes.  I’m looking forward to the challenge of staying healthy without running, and probably without weightlifting in my life.  It will be different, to say the least.  But as scared as I am about not running, it doesn’t come close to the terrified I am about delivering a baby at 32 weeks or even sooner. 

      The gist of what I’ve been finding out about previa is that bedrest is common as is a baby that comes prematurely.  What really pulls at my heartstrings, though, is a scenario where I’m on bedrest in the hospital and I don’t get to see Daughter for more than a few minutes a day.  The thought of that kills me.  I also think about a situation where Chris and I try to juggle one newborn in the NICU and one toddler in the real world for an extended amount of time.  The upside is I haven’t had any symptoms to suggest either of those two results.  I am extremely grateful for that. 

     I’ve decided that I’m going to go out for one last run with the club tonight and savor it.  I need a firm goodbye from the activity that brings me so much happiness.  I will certainly miss taking my baby boy on runs with me, but it’s what’s best for both of us.  He’ll understand.  And if things go well, I won’t go out for another run until October.  Going out sooner would mean baby came too early.